I just started reading Mercy by Jodi Picoult and so far it's a great read. There was one passage in the book that got me really thinking. The passage was..."You know it's never 50/50 in a marriage. It's always 70/30, 60/40. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride. Who's the one that loves more?" In every book of Jodi Picoult there is always one passage that sticks out to me, but this one really made me stop and think. I had never thought of a marriage that way. Maybe it was because I was naive. Maybe it was just something that I'd never heard before and my brain didn't push it any further. Maybe it was something that I didn't want to explore. The more I thought about it though, the more I wanted Jason's take on the whole thing.
Since I knew that Jason didn't have plans last night and we didn't have plans after the benefit dinner, I let the kids talk to him first while I poured a glass of 2 buck chuck. Once it was my turn to talk to him we talked about our days, what the weather was like, who was playing football, etc. Then I read him the quote from the book. This sparked an emotional conversation that lasted 2 hours and 30 minutes (just ask Jojo, she was the time keeper and couldn't imagine what we had talked about for SOOOOO long!). It wasn't emotional in a bad way at all, it was just nice to finally talk like husband and wife and have a real conversation not centered around the everyday mundane things. The conversation took many turns and changed topics many times, but it was such a nice change of pace and something I will strive to do more.
Jason's take on the whole thing was that of course it's not 50/50. Someone has to be the chaser and someone has to be the chasee in the beginning of a realtionship. There will be different feelings from each party, some stronger than the others. I tried to look at it as a business where each partner has a 50/50 stake in the business and it's equal for both people. The more I tried to go with that way of thinking, the quicker it fell apart. lol I don't think anything is really 50/50, almost like nothing is really 100% perfect. It's not a bad thing to be the one that loves more, but you can't have the partner that loves less just coast along and not put anything into the relationship. The one that loves more shouldn't feel like they have to always go the extra mile and never be appreciated for that. The one that loves less shouldn't be the one that sits on the pedestal and never steps down. Marriage is work but it's something that with the proper maintenance will prosper into a wonderful thing.
Have you ever had this conversation with your partner?
2 comments:
Hmm...Steve and I talked about this today at dinner. I don't agree and neither does he (100%). I don't think a marriage can ever be truly 50% in every aspect. However, I think it all balances out in the end - that each person puts forth their all in the marriage. Obviously this doesn't happen all the time, or divorce rates wouldn't be so high. I don't think one person loves more or cares more though. Maybe sometimes... I guess it depends on what your idea of marriage is. Steve may earn more money than me, I may spend more time with our children as a SAHM, but we both give 100% of ourselves to each other, our family and our marriage. In the end, it all balances out.
It was funny though to joke and be sarcastic about what is not 50/50. I told him I shave my legs, so he has to shave his...50/50. He's gotta learn to breastfeed this time and catch up to me since I did it 100% last time. 50/50. Haha.
Yes, I am in a relationship that has lasted almost a year and a half. It is a very interesting conversational topic. Does it matter that one person is the chaser? I guess as long as that person feels loved in return. It also has to be a give and take relationship, as you say above.
My last relationship lasted 11 years, and from that experience I have learned that the chaser can switch. Maybe at the beginning it is 60/40 or 70/30, but throughout the relationship it changes, and may even reverse. Communication, trust, and respect is key.
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